Mafia Gazette Past Issue 142
The Mafia Gazette Issue 142 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Wednesday 4th July 'PORTIA MOVES TO VEGAS ' By Tea Jenny Meggio Boss Portia upped sticks and moved to Las Vegas earlier today. She has been running Chicago for many months now, but today she left it all behind to go and join friend Mr Valentine and the Criminals Under Ninja Training in Las Vegas. She released newly Made Man Dario Castelletti and the rest of her family, most of whom went to join the former underboss, packed her bags and boarded a flight to Vegas. Where she recieved a warm welcome and even her own party in the Criminal Under Ninja Training head quarters. A few months ago Portia took on the heafty task of running the lottery and has been running Chicago while trying to manage the lottery at the same time, but as the Lottery became more and more popular, it started to take up more and more of her time. So today she decided enough was enough and that she no longer had the time to give the city her full attention. So she handed over the responsibility to her underboss Dario and went to sit peacefully in LV. Her presence in Chicago will no doubt be missed, but the Gazette wishes her the best of luck with her retirement to Vegas. 'CASTELLETTI DIES IN DUEL ' By Gazette Reporter Following Portia's sudden move to Vegas, Made Man Dario Castelletti has been handed the city of Chicago. He had planned on working alongside his ex boss, but instead left his new head quarters as soul leader of Chicago. He came to the street this morning to announce his take over on Chi, gracefully accepting the city and having his hand shaken by many well wishers. Before making his way back to his HQ and back to business. However his reign on Chi was not to last long, one of his crew mates and friends was killed the other day by the awesome Redd Foxx and Dario at once began to avenge this death, he made his way to Denver where Redd had been seen last and waited to see if he would reappear. As soon as he spotted Foxx he challenged him to a duel to settle the matter. Witnesses say the fight lasted only a matter of seconds, no longer had the duel began but Dario lay lifeless on the curb, pool of blood around his head, Foxx had hit him with a perfect headshot. With Portia settled in Vegas and Dario gone, what will happen to Chicago now? 'THE CONUNDRUM ' *The Conundrum v. VII* by Sab “What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, by some other name! What’s in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.” Yes, I am quoting William Shakespeare. He was a man of truer heart; a romantic, but the premises of point he brings up are valid. I have been drinking, and when I drink I do weird things; like read. So here I am reading an old copy of Juliet and Romeo when I stumble across this famous line, and it spoke to me. If I were before you now I would spread my legs out, left before me and right behind. My arm dramatically raised, face taking on an expression of elegance. I would be, in my own mind, playing the part of an actor in one of William’s plays. My father’s name before me was “Sabacthani”. Many of you, if not all, know this. But do you know what it means? It is one of religious backing, his father before him had picked out this name and gave it to him on his deathbed. It came from the bible; “Eli, Eli, lema sabacthani?” is where it came from. “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” And I was named after my father who was gunned down unjustly. How many of us, like my father and I, have names of significance? Maybe you were named after someone famous, maybe you were named after one of your fathers or grandfathers before you. Hell, your name may have been a sick joke from your parents. Or, you could just have a plain old name like Jim Garrison. A name that means nothing but could one day be a name remembered in the names of countless Americans for one reason or another, who knows. But does it matter what our names are? As Bill said, “That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet; Romeo, doff thy name; And for that name, which is no part of thee, Take all myself.” We are the choices that we make. Whether are name be xXx or it be Dario Castelletti, we can make names for ourselves. We should not be hindered, or feel that we are, simply by what others call us. A name means nothing. Is it not who we are that matters? 'ASK KING TIE ' by King Tie We have recently had the one and only King Tie join our team here at the Gazette and he has agreed to do a column for us. So we are giving you the opportunity to ask King Tie anything. Have a problem with no answers? Ask King Tie. Something you've always wanted to know? Ask King Tie. Simply mail all questions directly to TieDomiII and keep an eye on the next issue of the Gazette for your answer. 'WEEKLY LOTTERY REVIEW ' By Portia Following the change of the way the prize fund worked, things havegone pretty smoothly at lottery HQ this week. Wednesday 27th June was a very busy lottery night compared to theprevious wednesday here at lottery HQ. Out of 75 players there were 5 winners, each winning a share of the 10 million dollar prize. Giving them 2 million each. The winning numbers were: 7, 13, 23, 40, 41, 48 The winners included: Machiavelli ClaudioCostanza LeDiablo Bill Saturday 30th June however was another busy night. PLayers totalled 73 and out of those there were 4 winners sharing the 20 million dollar prize. Giving them a cool 5 million dollars each. The winning numbers were 10, 11, 17, 34, 38, 46 The winners included: Roy-Bloom All the rest requested anonymity. Those of you that have numbers registered, time to get your payments in for tonights draw and those who haven't, well, what are you waiting for. You gotta be in it to win it. Stand by for more from lottery HQ next week. 'NEW! - JOKE OF THE DAY ' By Sal Maggio Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it." 'HOROSCOPES ' By Mystic Meg CANCER - June 21st - July 23rd Disagreeing with a boss or another type of authority figure is a good thing this week. Pushing your boundaries can be uncomfortable, but in this case it's beneficial. Once you go as far as you can, take your time getting settled and comfortable. Before you know it, you'll have the itch to move again. LEO - July 24th - August 23rd Would it have made a difference? Could you have changed the outcome somehow? The real question is, why are you punishing yourself? What's done is done. Whatever happened is over. Now deal with the present. VIRGO - August 24th - September 23rd Why so serious? Well, you do have a lot on your mind these days? You're mind can't seem to focus on one matter for more than few minutes. That's okay. Everyone needs to drift occasionally. LIBRA - September 24th - October 23rd Pretty words are fine and dandy, but you need to put your money where your mouth is. Loosen the reins on your self-control and see what happens when you let yourself go with your instincts. SCORPIO - October 24th - November 22nd Sure, actions speak louder than words, but the words someone says -- especially repeatedly -- are also kind of an action. If someone needs to keep representing himself or herself as a certain type, it's time to ask yourself why SAGITTARIUS - November 23rd - December 21st This person is so irritating! Why won't he or she change? Wait a minute. If you're having a problem, it's more likely that the real source is who you face in the mirror. If you know this isn't working, it's up to you to change. CAPRICORN - December 22nd - January 20th You love to be daring as much as the next person, so kick things up a notch today. Now that you're here, you realize how much you wanted this stability. After all, you can be as adventurous and daring as you want -- as long as you know there's a strong and steady base for you back at home. AQUARIUS - January 21st - February 19th If something goes wrong, you don't have to be the first to admit that you're at fault. Why? Because outside circumstances had a hand in this, too -- and given time to stew, this thing may not be so 'wrong' after all. PISCES - February 20th - March 20th The universe has a plan. So do you. The question is, where do they coincide and where do they diverge? The truth is that the more you're aligned with your true purpose, the more the universe will support you. ARIES - March 21st - April 20th This was not the reaction you were expecting. Why did this person laugh when you thought the incident was quite serious? Don't let their response invalidate yours. You both could be right TAURUS - April 21st - May 21st The nearer your destination, the less sure you are that you actually want to arrive. Hey, that's normal. Sometimes the fear of success is a lot stronger than the fear of failure. The goal will be worth it eventually. GEMINI - May 22nd - June 21st t's bright, it's shiny, it's flashy, it's loud -- and you're seriously, irresistibly attracted to the darn thing. No need to worry: You're not going Vegas. You just need something different to spice it up. 'TODAY IN HISTORY ' By Mark Chambers July, 4, 1776 The thirteen British colonies declared their independence From England. July 4, 1902 Meyer Lansky, mobster was born. Lansky met Bugsy Siegel when he was a teenager. They also became lifelong friends and, together with Charles (Lucky) Luciano, formed a lasting partnership. Lansky was instrumental in Luciano's rise to power by organizing the 1931 murder of mafia powerhouse Salvatore Maranzano. Jul 4, 1910 African-American Jack Johnson knocked out Jim Jeffries in the 15th round of a heavyweight boxing match. This prompted race riots all over the United States. Jul 4, 1914 1st US motorcycle race 300 miles, Dodge City Kansas Jul 4, 1916 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs opened a stand at Brooklyn’s Coney Island and held an eating contest as a publicity stunt that became an annual event. Jul 4, 1919 Jack Dempsey, the "Manassa Mauler", defeated Jess Willard by a knockout in Toledo, Ohio, after three rounds to become the World's Heavyweight Boxing Champion. Jul 4, 1925 44 died when Dreyfus Hotel in Boston collapsed. Jul 4, 1928 Jean Lussier became the first person to go over the Niagara Falls in a rubber ball. He went over Horseshoe Falls in the padded ball, which he had built complete with oxygen tanks and which weighed 750 pounds. Jul 4, 1934 "Madame" Marie Curie-Sklodovska, Polish-born French chemist and Nobel Prize winner, died in Paris of leukemia caused by her long exposure to radiation. 'OBITUARIES ' By Totally Guitarded Dario_Castelletti - Made Man - Jul 4th, 5:31PM Baron_Von_Mannsechs: Sorry to see this, you seemed like a decent chap. *Tips his hat* Rest in peace. Totally_Guitarded: You silly.. bloody.. gah! Words don't even describe it *Clips the corpses ear* RiP Adrian_Mole: Without fail, your bloodline ranks to made... dead within the week. RIP. 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Tom_Tanzini - Street Boss - Jul 1st, 6:19PM ClaudioCostanza: RIP pal I hope the stargate is shwoing up in the sky *Lays a rose* Mr-Fallen: what the hell?! you cheek, I was about to join you RIP ~Fallen Macario-Anastasio: Tom, It's a heart breaker man, always a true freind and always a man who'd do anything for his freinds. RIP I'll miss you man 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) T_Mac - Wise Guy - Jul 2nd, 6:15PM LaMadrina: Noooo tracy! What happened? W/S wanted. RIP hun SteveMcGarrett: Nooooooo tracy! Rest in Peace GiuseppeGenco: May your soul rest in peace 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) WayneBrady - Made Man - Jul 2nd, 9:08PM Vito_Castelletti: What the hell. RIP buddy. One of the best. Macario-Anastasio: Ahhhh man Just talking to you too man, gutted, fucking gutted. RIP man, I don't think anyone will blame me if I corpse hump will they? Tony_Soprano: The Curse of the Franchett Mades' RIP. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' by Totally Guitarded Have a business? Horses? Anything you want advertised? The Gazette will advertise it here, absolutely FREE! Just drop Totally_Guitarded a mail with the details. 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) The Gazette is back and looking for writers once more. If you have a flare for writing and wish to apply, either part time or full time.. drop by the head office in Chicago or simply submit articles/columns to Totally_Guitarded. Good rates of pay! 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) $The Bank of Garrison$ Weapon storage Cash Storage Mail Jim-Garrison for details 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Lawyer needed. Tough courtroom setting. Contact Anthony-Casso for further details. 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Visit Copacabana, Miami - A Luxury Club - Bar run by RHM 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) TG - pics. 10K each - Contact Totally_Guitarded for details.